goddamngrenades | Voicemail

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Some people are comfortable there. Not my place to drag them out. I'm used to wanting what I can't have- so I get what I can and have that instead.

[ Natalia makes a sound of intense annoyance. ]

He's lying to himself and others as a result.

Nat...it's fine. I'll get over it. I did before.

[ He'd loved Clair longer, known her better. IT shouldn't take near as long to get over Malcolm. ]

It is not fine and I've already started the conversation with him.

He is interested. He is in denial. Only one of those is useful.

Okay I know you're trying to help and I appreciate that but honestly? Fuck. Useful. I am so fucking tired of hearing that fucking phrase applied to people.

Fine then. Only one of those contributes to any sense of happiness in his life, is that better?

Yes. Just. Leave him alone. If he can't find his own way out before I'm over it then it's not going to happen.

I'll leave him alone if you apologize about calling Dimitri a Nazi.

To him.

I'm sorry, am I mistaken in thinking that HYDRA is a group of nazis doing nazi things all over the fucking nazi day? I'll stop calling him a nazi when he stop strapping on his nazi helmet and squeezing down a nazi cannon and firing off into nazi land where nazis grow on fucking nazi trees.

You're mistaken in thinking he had a choice,, and I don't mean in the philosophical way of 'if I do not commit this atrocity someone else will'.

I mean brainwashed to the point that your own name hurts to say and you don't remember your own flesh and blood and everything hurts and you'd do anything for a respite.

And it never comes.

So yes, we're fucking Nazis. We had to be.

If that's what they made of him then there is nothing left of what he could be other than their tool. And I don't buy that for a fucking moment because you've come out of it on your own.

HAD to be. Past tense Nat. There is no hydra here. What you choose to be in this place, here and now? That's all you. You KEEP being what they made you? That's your call, but don't expect much backup from me anymore.

Pick your own missions. Choose your own terms. You are more than what they've made of you and he can be too. There is no director, there is no handler, there is no job aside from the ones that YOU choose.

I'm not saying he can't, i'm saying...when we broke we fell apart in different ways. His will take more time. In twenty days I changed my entire understanding of myself and it's still happening. It's happening for him. Choosing a name is a big deal.

He didn't choose. He's afraid of choosing now. I'm afraid but I'm more angry than my fear can handle. This is my life, and I didn't earn it or fight for it but it's mine and I will desperately hold onto it, and him, and I won't give up either.

[ How did they even get to this topic. ]

For him being HYDRA's asset was yesterday. Holding onto that isn't contributing to any sense of happiness for him either. So just be careful.

The first week is the most critical. Every small choice means the world. Everything you do for yourself stands for something so he needs to make sure he's choosing on his own rather than relying on programming.

Start with breakfast. Then try shaving. Nat, your boy looks like a hippie. And not a fun hippie, the sad 'i had a bad acid trip' hippie.

I haven't had a chance to go buy anything for that.

And I don't want to imagine what he'd be like on a bad acid trip, thank you.

We push because we care, because we see something in the hiding that is for the detriment of those we care about. Malcolm needs out of his closet. You need to be honest with him about how you feel, because when he's done being in denial about what he wants, he'll decide he's not what you need.

I'll drop off a care package.

And that's fine for him to choose. If he doesn't want me, I don't blame him. If he doesn't think we'll work? I don't blame him. I'm done waiting around for things I can't have. It's a distraction I can't afford with Delta around.

You're a saint.

...How does Delta play into all of this? What isn't happening between you and Malcolm, I mean.

Delta was an AI. My partner. Lived in my skull for about four or five years after everything went wrong with the Project I was involved in got shut down. My good eye. Now he's here, he's human, and he doesn't know how to be human and I need to focus on teaching him that he's got value just by being himself, not because he was a computer program.

...he was still in operation for about a year after I died. I don't know what happened or who fucked with him, but it's left his sense of self worth shot.

D's...jealous of Malcolm. That Mal was here for me. He feels like he doesn't have a use anymore since Mal's been watching out for me the past couple of months.

I see why you're frustrated about 'useful'.

Maybe it wouldn't be terrible for your Delta to meet Dimitri. Eventually. A sense of self-worth tied up in you is no less real at the end of the day. But we know a life needs more than that to sustain itself.

Jealousy is harder. I don't...understand it. No one is the same thing to the same person, no one can be. People in someone's life aren't clothing to be swapped out, or personality traits to be mimicked. They are...huge unmoving stones in water.

Worst thing is I think Mal's a little jealous too, of the partnership Delta and I had. And then there's the whole mess with Carolina and I just- I'm a soldier. I'm not trained for interpersonal relationships. I wasn't good at them BEFORE the project. How the fuck am I suppose to handle it now?

Be honest. Speak slowly. Get them to explain without saying 'I don't understand'. Be patient.

You're a good man, York. They're drawn to that.

But you have to look out for yourself too.

That's what the past hour and a half was supposed to be. And then, boom, all over the network.

Carolina is gonna kill me.

For being a grown man doing what grown men do?

I was supposed to talk to her about us. How there's...not really gonna be an us. and why. Catch her up on my mental state.

I miss the uncomplicated lives we seemed to lead the first day I arrived. [ Natalia can't even begin to imagine how this will end well. ]

You're welcome to come visit.

Things always kind of go weird when people that should be dead don't stay dead. Especially if you're supposed to be dead.

We need to get drunk sometime. Me, you, vodka, the roof of somewhere pretty.

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