goddamngrenades | LEGION INBOX

If it's not gonna get you or someone else killed and you're not ready to deal with it? Take your time and handle it when you can, you know, handle it without becoming a ball of anxiety over the idea of talk'n about it. [ Because dealing with things in a reasonable time frame is, apparently, a thing. Taking half a step back and trying to sort out if it's a thing you wanna deal with right now as opposed to later when you're more centered? Is a thing.

Therapy offering half decent perspective. Who the fuck knew? ]

No judgement zone here, man. You wanna say it? Okay. You wanna bail? Okay. But whatever it is you know I've got no room to look at you funny or give you shit over it cuz, again- you saw my Legacy. King of fuck'n it up right here.

Yeah, that's going to be never.

[Said without removing his head from his hands. Wash knows how he works - he's never not going to be a ball of anxiety about this, because it ends so poorly so often and there's not really any getting around that for him.]

[He's quiet for a few moments, thinking. York's had a stream of romantic insanity in his life - maybe he's fucked up like this before. Maybe he actually knows what to do. And isn't this what Wash came here to talk about in the first place?]

[Ah, hell.]

You ever sleep with someone when you loved someone else?

Yep.

[ Without missing a beat or even an ounce of shame. It happened he learned from it (kinda) and moved along with his life. Away from both parties because that's kinda how life happened. He takes another long swig from his beer and sits back, leveling Wash with a long look. ]

Question is- does the person you love know that you love 'em and are you in an active relationship. That changes things.

[Somehow, that's not surprising.]

[He doesn't look up. Doesn't remove his face from his hands.]

I doubt it and no.

Well now I know exactly what you're go'n through. [ Again, been there, done that, and it was...uncomfortable. Complicated. ] The only complicated part is that you and Connie weren't really...your current selves when it happened. The you that did this wasn't the you that's in love with someone else.

How is that the only complicated part?

[He hasn't talked with Connie yet, but he should be able to handle it okay. Dealing with his own damn emotions is, in his opinion, a hell of a lot more difficult.]

The only person you've cheated on here is yourself. Which doesn't exactly make it simple but- it's easier to tackle. When you sit down and think 'why did I do this when I feel another way', the only one holding you accountable? Is you.

[ Again, doesn't make it black and white but- does pare down the variables to something manageable. ]

First thing to figure out that involves anyone besides you is whether this has any bearing on how you feel about the person you love, if this is gonna keep you from telling them- or if you tell them how you feel if you wanna tell them about what's happened or if you wanna keep it all to yourself and quietly pine or box up that emotion to never ever be dealt with ever. Some of these things are healthier than others. All of 'em are valid.

I wasn't planning on telling him in the first place, or ever, so...

[He shrugs. It's only after he trails off that he realizes he let that pronoun slip. Dammit, he needs to keep a better lid on things-]

[But isn't he here to talk about it in the first place? Isn't that why he started this conversation?]

[He's not sure he knows anymore.]

Him? [ Connie had been ruled out by dint of being the other party in this little kerfuffle. The only other people wash is close to that's of age (and type if he had to take a swing and it is a broad goddamn swing since he knows not a lot about his preference) narrows the field somewhat-

But falling for a friend is a thing. He guesses? It can be a thing.

Probably not him so-

York shakes off the innate urge to puzzle this out. Wash'll tell him or he won't. ]

Well, man. That's your call. So all you have to figure out is how you feel about this and if you wanna forgive yourself for it. Personal accountability shit.

I mean, at least it's not master chief. That's be complicated as hell

Edited 2017-06-29 01:58 (UTC)

[York notices the pronoun but doesn't pursue, and Wash appreciates it more than he'd like to say. Maybe he can put this to rest. Maybe he can...fuck, he doesn't know, but it's a step forward, right?]

[He's drinking his beer and mulling over personal accountability - because he's real good at that - when York casually mentions the one name he's been trying not to spit out. Fuck- fuck-]

[He coughs, chokes on his beer, and spends the next few seconds hacking up a lung trying to clear his airway. Yeah. There's no way that act of subtlety went unnoticed, so he just thunks his head down on the bar and groans. Congratulations, York; too bad there's no prize for guessing correctly.]

"Shit- wash!" York leans over the bar, hand on Wash's shoulder to steady him, like that helps while choking on a mouthful of beer. That-

Oh.

Shit.

"Damn, man, really?" Well...he's got good taste, at least.

It's the moment of truth, and here Wash is, two thirds of the way through a beer and face down on a counter. He just groans again in response. Life is fucking great.

"Okay." A beat. "You aim high, man. Good for you."

Also there's the whole relateable life experiences, kinda. "...this is gonna make giving him a shovel talk hell and a half, you know that, right? Why you gotta make my life hard?"

Because picking at this like it has the potential to be okay and funny is easier than trying to work out 'do I help my bro or do I help my bro HIDE THIS SHIT'.

That first comment gets York casually flipped off. Ha ha, thanks for that.

And then York keeps talking, and even years later, he still knows how to yank Wash's chain (even though this is probably not at all on purpose, and it's not like Wash is currently on an emotional upset or anything). "Oh, your life is hard!" He's bolt upright and the volume is up, but it's not angry so much as it is indignant. "Excuse you, you're not the one who's been lying awake for a week trying to figure this out!"

A beat.

"Oh God, it's been a fucking week." He thunks his head back down on the bar.

Edited 2017-06-29 07:01 (UTC)

"...want me to get you another beer?" Because that seems like the best option here. He makes no move to do so, tentatively reaching out to ruffle Wash's hair, keeping well away from his neck for so many reasons not at all connected to a history of paranoia, violence, and implant trauma.

Just. Friendly hair ruffling.

"Walk me through it then, what are you try'n to figure out? What to do about it, what not to do about it, how to live with it?" He can offer some advice on every flavor laid out and a few oddball ones besides. Probably why Wash came here in the first place.

"Yes." Not liking being drunk isn't stopping him from really wanting to get drunk right now. Anything to avoid thinking about the bullshit that his love life (or lack thereof) right now.

...the hair ruffling is nice, though.

The sad thing is, he already knows the answer to that question. "How to make it stop." How do you make yourself fall out of love with someone? His prior methodology had essentially amounted to suffering the devastating loss of the object of his affections because of circumstances mostly beyond his control, and he'd rather not do that this time around.

"One beer, coming up." The cooler's right next to him so, hey, Wash gets continued hair ruffling and the thunk of a cool longneck right next to one of his hands whenever he feels up to cracking it open. No pressure.

That question twinges in his gut more than a little because, man. How often had he tried that particular thing?

"Good news and bad news on that front. Good news: Totally possible. Bad news: chemically inducing apathy has led to making people complete sociopaths and or depressed enough to kill themselves. You don't really need to deal with either of those, man." Especially considering how they both feel about altering the brain for whatever reason. "It's- the heart wants what the heart wants and the heart doesn't know a damn thing about what's good for it which leads us to poor life choices."

The second beer can wait until he finishes the first one, and the first one can wait until he gets his head up off the bar, and he doesn't quite feel like doing that yet, because fuck everything.

He snorts a bit at that answer. Honestly, between sociopathy and depression, he'd dabbled in both, and both had wrecked his life in different (and, at some points, conjoined, because his brain chemistry had seriously been out to kill him) ways. "The heart needs to shut the fuck up," is what he finally comes up with, murmured into the bar.

"...it doesn't get any easier ignoring it. Especially if you're around them all the time. Distance and a clean break will make it quiet down and switch from 'want' to 'but what if we had' which is easier to ignore if you've already got a stack of regrets. But I don't think you really wanna walk away from being friends with him, do you?" They click in a way York himself doesn't understand but-

He doesn't need to. This is in no way about him. He does know that somehow the Chief is good for Wash and that's honestly more than enough.

"No." Just because Wash is in emotional turmoil doesn't mean he needs to put Chief through the same thing, and cutting him off will do just that. Better that he deal with this on his own. (Not to mention that he'd miss Chief something awful.) "Plus, if I try, he'll think it's his fault." He always does.

"So. You can't detatch and listening to your heart will end terribly...why? Walk me through this." Maybe explaining it to him will help Wash find a solution he can live with.

Wash finally sits up, silent for a moment, before finishing off his beer, effortlessly palming the new one open, and downing a good chunk of that one too. It doesn't help - it's not nearly enough to get drunk off of - but it's enough for him to organize his thoughts well enough to find words for them.

"Because we're friends," is where it starts. "Because I've been the one introducing him to pop culture and trying to fill in the gaps in his social skills. Because he trusts me to do that, and I don't want to overstep that. I don't know if he's ever been in love, or if he'd even know how to figure that out if he was, and I don't want this to be something he just goes along with because hey, it makes Wash happy. That's not fair to either of us." Mostly to Chief, really. "I don't know how he feels, I don't want to bring it up in case he starts thinking he's supposed to feel something, and..." He can find someone better dies in Wash's throat. Regardless of how true it is, some things aren't worth saying out loud. Instead, he just shrugs and downs more of his beer. He's known all of this for a while; that hasn't made putting words to it any easier.

"...and you don't think you're good enough." Just gonna finish that line of thought for Wash since he trails off. Self worth issues were common ground made fertile and fucked up by the Project. How a lot of them got yanked around by the system; at least from his read of the situation. Or maybe he's projecting, fuck if he knows. Still it's-

Not a terrible breakdown. It's all pretty reasonable.

"He'll notice if you avoid him or if you're acting different." The man's smart, crazy smart, part and parcel with being. Well. Him.

Wash says nothing when York finishes his sentence. Heightened perception tends to go hand in hand with giving a shit, so he really shouldn't be surprised; either way, he's not about to confirm it. There's a difference between I don't think and I'm not, Wash knows exactly what side of that line he falls on, and nobody else needs to hear about it.

The next bit is logical and requires an answer. "And that's why I'm not." Sometimes, it pays to be able to lie.

"Shit, I keep forgetting you're a good liar." That changes- well. Plenty and not a fucking thing, really. Taylor's hand shifts to Wash's shoulder to give it a bracing squeeze. "...it's gonna suck."

Just. Putting that out there. "And it's gonna hurt no matter how you slice it or what you decide to do. Just leveling with you."

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