goddamngrenades | LEGION INBOX

The second beer can wait until he finishes the first one, and the first one can wait until he gets his head up off the bar, and he doesn't quite feel like doing that yet, because fuck everything.

He snorts a bit at that answer. Honestly, between sociopathy and depression, he'd dabbled in both, and both had wrecked his life in different (and, at some points, conjoined, because his brain chemistry had seriously been out to kill him) ways. "The heart needs to shut the fuck up," is what he finally comes up with, murmured into the bar.

"...it doesn't get any easier ignoring it. Especially if you're around them all the time. Distance and a clean break will make it quiet down and switch from 'want' to 'but what if we had' which is easier to ignore if you've already got a stack of regrets. But I don't think you really wanna walk away from being friends with him, do you?" They click in a way York himself doesn't understand but-

He doesn't need to. This is in no way about him. He does know that somehow the Chief is good for Wash and that's honestly more than enough.

"No." Just because Wash is in emotional turmoil doesn't mean he needs to put Chief through the same thing, and cutting him off will do just that. Better that he deal with this on his own. (Not to mention that he'd miss Chief something awful.) "Plus, if I try, he'll think it's his fault." He always does.

"So. You can't detatch and listening to your heart will end terribly...why? Walk me through this." Maybe explaining it to him will help Wash find a solution he can live with.

Wash finally sits up, silent for a moment, before finishing off his beer, effortlessly palming the new one open, and downing a good chunk of that one too. It doesn't help - it's not nearly enough to get drunk off of - but it's enough for him to organize his thoughts well enough to find words for them.

"Because we're friends," is where it starts. "Because I've been the one introducing him to pop culture and trying to fill in the gaps in his social skills. Because he trusts me to do that, and I don't want to overstep that. I don't know if he's ever been in love, or if he'd even know how to figure that out if he was, and I don't want this to be something he just goes along with because hey, it makes Wash happy. That's not fair to either of us." Mostly to Chief, really. "I don't know how he feels, I don't want to bring it up in case he starts thinking he's supposed to feel something, and..." He can find someone better dies in Wash's throat. Regardless of how true it is, some things aren't worth saying out loud. Instead, he just shrugs and downs more of his beer. He's known all of this for a while; that hasn't made putting words to it any easier.

"...and you don't think you're good enough." Just gonna finish that line of thought for Wash since he trails off. Self worth issues were common ground made fertile and fucked up by the Project. How a lot of them got yanked around by the system; at least from his read of the situation. Or maybe he's projecting, fuck if he knows. Still it's-

Not a terrible breakdown. It's all pretty reasonable.

"He'll notice if you avoid him or if you're acting different." The man's smart, crazy smart, part and parcel with being. Well. Him.

Wash says nothing when York finishes his sentence. Heightened perception tends to go hand in hand with giving a shit, so he really shouldn't be surprised; either way, he's not about to confirm it. There's a difference between I don't think and I'm not, Wash knows exactly what side of that line he falls on, and nobody else needs to hear about it.

The next bit is logical and requires an answer. "And that's why I'm not." Sometimes, it pays to be able to lie.

"Shit, I keep forgetting you're a good liar." That changes- well. Plenty and not a fucking thing, really. Taylor's hand shifts to Wash's shoulder to give it a bracing squeeze. "...it's gonna suck."

Just. Putting that out there. "And it's gonna hurt no matter how you slice it or what you decide to do. Just leveling with you."

"No shit." Wash shakes York's hand off, suddenly irritated. It's that old habit rising to the surface again - deflecting any negative emotion sideways into anger, because anger is easier to handle - and he lets himself indulge, just a little bit. "I've been in love, and I've fallen out of love, and I've lost people, and sometimes, when I'm feeling productive, I do the latter two at the same time. I already know it's going to fucking suck - what I want to know how to induce it so I can just get it over with."

"...why the hell do you think I know how to do that? What, if any, part of my long, tragic, bullshit thing that never was with Carolina makes you think I know how to stop caring? I had to think she was dead to start getting over her." And then, hey, he died and wound up here. Full circle of bullets and bullshit, hurrah. "Trying to not care or feel shit is how the world ended up with Agent Fuck Truck New York in the first goddamn place so it's not something I really recommend."

There's an awful retort here that would take this into a full blown argument - something along the lines of you never wanted to stop caring about Carolina - but that's not what either of them needs, and Wash swallows it back down. He has better control than that.

So he takes another long pull of his beer and goes for the heart of the matter instead. "I don't want to stop caring - I just don't want to be in love. There's a difference."

"Lemme restate: Trying to do that is part of what made me, well. The asshole I was. Wanting Carolina was easier, safer, than loving her. Or. So I thought." If he cared, if he really trusted her, if he just let the damn thing happen and spoke like an adult and voiced his concerns and respected her instead of whatever the bullshit frat bro flirtation that could have but never led anywhere because his own foot tasted so damn good-

Things might've been different.

"But you are a better liar than I am so, hey. Talk yourself into it." He sits back with his beer, shrugging.

That's the difference between their approaches to life - York is fucking confident enough to go after what he wants and successful enough to get it, whereas Wash fails so damn often he has to be invested in order to try - it's not worth the risk just to want something.

But instead of voicing a word of that, Wash just gives York an unamused stare. "It doesn't work like that."

"No shit." He'd have saved himself a lot of pain if he'd been able to talk himself out of- well. Half of his life choices. "You're gonna have to know what to tell him when he notices shit. Cuz he will."

Well why the fuck did he suggest it if he knows it doesn't work? Wash huffs and moves on.

"He's not going to notice anything," he says with all the confidence of a seasoned liar. As far as he's concerned, there won't be anything to notice.

"You can't keep it up forever, man. And if you can? That's pretty fucking concerning." It's said without judgement, merely concern. And a return of the hand resting on his shoulder as he leans to rest an elbow on the bar. "Either way- you need somewhere to chill and feel things without worrying about it showing to someone that'll spill the beans? You can come here."

Wash just raises an eyebrow slowly. He had to learn to lie in order to survive; lying to maintain the status quo is nothing compared to that.

Still, he appreciates the offer - it's good to know he has someplace he can go if everything goes completely pear-shaped. "Thanks."

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